Weird title hey? I was looking over the books of one of my favourite author’s Donald Miller and sort of meshed all the books I’ve read together. So enjoy that. Anyway, here are some random musings for the week. This is about really what I’m going through now in my walk with God. I hope this resonates with some of you. I’d love to hear from some of you 🙂
For me, my journey in the Faith started just before I turned twenty. God and Jesus were unfamiliar people, Christianity immediately seemed to be far too institutional, and the people in it weren’t any better then I was outside of the Faith. I hit the ground running, eager to be light years ahead theologically of anyone I knew and to change the world, the church, and the Faith for Jesus. Needless to say, I was vomiting zeal while injecting uninformed idealism into my veins. Furthermore, I was desperate to belong, On any given day I was inches away from being Reformed, charismatic, or some other tribe within the Christian-Protestant tradition (I think I was almost Catholic or Orthodox at one point). I read copious amounts of books on prayer, the Bible, revival, church, theology, and the classics from Spurgeon, Murray, Torrey, Finney. I went to a bible college where, like a sponge, I soaked up a theological education that placed me, so I thought, on top of the “Christian ladder.” I would even hit the streets where I would share the Gospel with anyone who’d walk by, desperate to pluck a soul from the fiery furnace of Hell that I believed any and all were destined to go without the forgiveness of sins. I was, as they say, a machine. It wasn’t until I started walking with a mentor and close friend of mine that I started to realise I was doing a lot but something really lacked in my relationship with God. The intimacy was missing that I think every Christian from time to time mulls over and wonders if God is even there. All of a sudden I started searching for God instead of doing a bunch of things, and it scared me. Suddenly my grounding wasn’t in my actions, my reading list or my theological education but I desperately was trying to find grounding in God Himself and in doing so, I hoped to find out who I truly was. This journey has been as strange, bewildering, lonely and hopeless as wandering through a million miles of dry blue desert (and it’s still going).
What am I even talking about? I’m not sure I know. What I do know is this. God is more than books and theology. God is more than the sermons and lectures, works and good things that I do. I’m reminded of a quote by Donald Miller where he says:
“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”
I read that and let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding on to for maybe the last seven years. I need the knowledge of God to seep out of my brain and into my heart. I want to feel God as much as I read about God. I want to actually talk to Him, hear Him and feel His Spirit working in and through me. If the Christian life is only listening, reading, doing and never experiencing, I’m not sure that I want it.